Tuesday, March 30, 2010

It's just a Misunderstanding!

I remember when I was a teenager going into my senior year of high school. I was assured of the varsity starting quarterback spot, and I had one of the cutest cheerleaders around. Texas football is a culture and I lived it. I loved the pep rallies because I was always able to make a little speech before the student body. I'd recall how nothing pumps me up more than Cat Steven's Peace Train, and how I believed John F. Kennedy was an alien, and how drinking your urine in the morning was healthy. Everyone cheered. I'm sure they weren't paying attention.

I recall the Kraft macaroni and cheese and Crispix as a pregame snack. Buster Mcfadden would drop by and pick me up a few hours before game time. We'd discuss Jung philosophy and how much he had a crush on my girl Kim Schellbert. He'd get a little too explicit and I would be forced to remind him how cute girls dislike obese men, and that they especially dislike those who put bacon lard in their sweet tea. He didn't get it though. Mcfadden died of a heart attack at 19. Anyways, we'd laugh about how we would conquer the world, travel to Saskatchewan and learn squash. We lost ourselves in thoughts about how we'd move to an area where their would be singing crows, plate tectonics that would only move if you asked them to, and Gatorade tasting moonshine flowing down our OWN mountain. I still yearn for a singing crow.


What is troubling me this night is the one that got away. Sure, Kimberly Schellbert was a peach. I had my cheerleader fantasy checked off, and she had a gorgeous mouth. However, I remember the one that intrigued me at first sight. That perplexing girl that gave me such an intense longing day in and day out. I'd see her daily while I was doing my routine morning salute to the staff. At the beginning of my senior year, every morning I would walk up to Principal Tudor and stink palm him. I took advantage of the fact that I had a mandatory morning workout session with Coach Santor, so I knew that my body odor would be delightfully foul. Before I'd take a shower, I'd make sure to pay Tudor a visit. I would run to Principal Tudor's office with my hand up my buttocks. Since I was king of that school, no one gave me a passing glance. They thought I was being hilarious and trendy. When I made it to Tudor's office, he would always enthusiastically welcome me in. I would commend him on how he ran such a "tight ship", almost break his hand with the force of impact from the handshake, and squeezed until I'm sure his hand smelled like a dirty diaper.

There is some relevance, I promise. Every time I ran through the hall with my hand up my rectum, I'd notice her. Her long legs, long black hair. Her eyes that looked so intense that she might as well be staring through me. I always wanted to know what was behind those eyes. What mysteries would be found? Was she supernatural? Does she like Ricki Lake? I had to know. I was the king of that school, why did she not seek me out instead of forcing me to have these fleeting feelings? There had to be a misunderstanding and I needed to investigate the issue. I didn't though. Not once. Every morning after Principal Tudor was stink palmed, I'd walk back to the athletics department with my hand stinking and heart aching. I couldn't leave Schellbert. Going after the unknown "emo before there was emo" beauty was not in the cards. Schellbert did anything I wanted. She was very accommodating. Now as an adult, I can only summon my memories of that senior year. It is impossible to forget her. Eyes that could castrate a man, but at the same time probably turn water into a Gatorade tasting moonshine. Bliss.

Fortunately, I starting watching an anime called Kimi Ni Todoke. It's shojo, and it's so far very interesting. You guessed it, the main female reminded me of my dark saint. The story revolves around a wonderful high school girl named Kuronuma Sawako. She is comically shy, passionately honest, and just wants to be liked by her classmates. Because of her appearance she is always misunderstood and in turn ostracized. When a student who is inherently outgoing and popular starts engaging in Sawako, it unleashes a yearning inside her to try and change the attitudes of her classmates. I adore her already, and this will not change. The show allows her to be very funny, while still adhering to the adorable shojo that we all know and love.

I'm only a few episodes in, but I believe this will be one of those great feel good shows. Series similar to these are almost always predictable, but while that may be so, I'm along for a ride which I suspect will be exciting and darn funny. Give Sawako and Kimi Ni Todoke a chance. While you are at it, stink palm someone you love. Let me rephrase: Stink palm someone, and you may fall in love.

Cheers